Rescue me

"Tonight I am calling,
Dangerously I might,
Keep on falling..."

I think I'm waiting. Waiting, not for someone, like you said. But for something big to happen to me. Some defining moment that'll set my life on course. Maybe not the right one, but one, nonetheless.

Alas, nothing seems to happen to me.
Yes, the nights make my emotions vulnerable.
Yes, thinking too much stops me from dreaming.
Maybe that's a good thing.

I just want to be going somewhere. It's not enough to say you want to go somewhere, you need to be going there.
I'm going to Canberra this weekend for hockey.
I don't think that is telling me what I want to do.
I don't want to be a national hockey player.
What I want is to be passionate about something. About a dream.
About someone.


It's probably stupid to think that I can know what I want and just go out into the world and get it.
I want to stay home and have dinner and tea parties with my mum and enjoy my childhood.
I don't want to worry about marks or jobs or boys. But they are the things which seem to be so Goddamn important to people.




Why can't we start the world over again?

I guess that would be a little selfish...

Do you get?

"Do you get a little kick out

Of being small minded

You want to be like your father

His approval your after

Well that's not how you'll find it..."

I hate it when people talk to you and you know they have their own agenda. Or worse still, when you can see that they have a problem and the likelihood of you being the source of that problem is high. People seem to have alterior motives all the time.

Also, why assume things? Please don't psychoanalyse me. I know my problems. I know the reasons (mostly) and you telling me doesn't help. I think you know who I mean, if you read this. I am not dwelling on things, it just seems like it when we talk about it because that's the topic. The things we were discussing don't bother me every day. They're just what we happen to be talking about.

I'm not finished. Nowhere near. Kindly, hold your breath.

Restless tonight

"'Cause I wasted the light

Between both these times

I drew a really thin line

It's nothing I planned

And not that I can

But you should be mine

Across that line..."

I think that a lot of the time, our most severe critics are ourselves, and considering that, we are obviously, incredibly biased. After all, we do know exactly how we see everything inside our head and chances are we're either deluding ourselves or wishing we were.

Ahhh saw a really cute guy at hockey today. Looked so familiar but I don't know their name or anything. Mystery boy. Lol.

Gonna read my book now, 'cause I forgot my thought path...

The water is warm

"but its sending me shivers.

A baby is born, crying out for attention.

Memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror

Decisions to decisions are made and not fought

But I thought,

this wouldn't hurt a lot.

I guess not. "

I think sometimes the hardest thing for people these days is when you don't belong to society's stereotypes. Not fitting ANY mould is worse than being categorised.

All we want is to belong, right?

I'm wondering if things matter much, really. I don't know what or who I want. I've only got dreams, which at least means I'm still alive. That's a bonus, is it not?

Ah man, I think my only saving graces are (despite my inner protestations) Religion marks, mochas and music. My 3 m's.

SIGH

See, I told you I still dreamt.

Burning thin the burning rim

"Like stars burning holes right through the dark
You gave fire like saltwater into my eyes
You were an inch from the edge of this bed..."

Fucking hell, I hate my face. No, I hate my skin.

Why can't it just be normal and not look like the

Himalayan Mountains every day.


So here I am again. I just finished my english assignment and am now making cookies. Making myself a temporary haven. A distraction of sorts. God, I just wanna bake and read.

I felt pretty crap today, wondering if it really matters where we came from. I mean, sometimes we worry too much about the irrelevant things. I guess it works the other way too, worrying about things too much.


I wanna be like coloured helium filled balloons, that make everyone happy, whose colours are pretty and attract the right attention, so that when everything gets too much, something happens that is sad, I'll fly away and everyone will see me in the sky, free, dreaming.

Remember those walls I built

"well baby, they're tumbling down

and they didn't put up a fight,

they didn't even make a sound..."



The rain. So good, but simultaneously so shit. I hate being stuck in it in winter; I'm one for the summer rain.



I've been reading a lot these days. Some things I've been reading don't make sense because they're so hypocritical. And I don't mean books. I've come to realise that we're all the same somehow; in one way or another.

I was just thinking a bit too rapidly right now, wishing that my fingers, pens and keyboard could keep up with my 200km/h race car brain. Not trying to sound up myself, but my mind is so much faster than any writing implement. Anyway, what I was thinking was sort of a debate; should I live for the now or for the later. I don't want to deny myself a good future and fuck me for this next thing, but the now is the Opportunity Cost. Ultimately sacrificing a social life that's [no offence] probably not worth having [chances are it won't last].

I feel like there are two parts to the whole that I am. Two separate dreams. Two risks. Two passions.
Who the hell do I want to be?
I'm caught between the sad girl that looks at herself without make-up and thinks, no wonder I'm not the one with the boyfriends or cliques, no wonder I get called a nerd and am loved more so by the staff than my peers. Then there is the other girl, the one that doesn't give a fuck if people look at her like she's a nerd, because I read books like there's no tomorrow and make Trig palm cards. I want to go somewhere but I also just want to know myself. One comes before the other. Or maybe they're collective? Who knows. I sure as shit don't.

Announcement:

• This nerd is dropping extension maths.
• This nerd is trying to get my skin half decent.
• This nerd is not gonna give a fuck about what you say, then go home and cry in the shower so that the water drowns out the sound. =]

Now, I just thought this was particularly cute.

If you're lost you can look

"and you will find me
time after time
If you fall I will catch you
I will be waiting
time after time..."

So yeah, I just finished the first proper performance of the musical. I felt kind of excited tonight but not nervous. So now I don't feel relieved that one of the two is over. I sort of just put on my "focus face" which everyone is now familiar with =) Heheheh. I got on with the show. Sorry to the winkies that I skipped, I forgot about you. No offence. I wish Pop was there to see it. :) Now I probably look like a druggie because of the red makeup still left on my face. Oh, well, it was all worth it. All 8 and a bit months of practise. Worth it. Now I just wanna grab my blankie, curl up with Fishing for Stars and listen to my sleep playlist :)

Goodnight and thank you.

:)

Sometimes life can be a burden...

"trying to stay one step ahead.

I feel the world upon my shoulder each time

and I'm standing out on the edge."

I had totally forgotten that I changed my page again and it finally looks pretty decent...

I never thought I'd get into Twilight like I have. I did think I would read it eventually and thank some divine being for the fact that I waited until after the whole OMG - EDWARD CULLEN thing blew over. Easy to read though. 3 novels in 3 days. Not bad for my standards. Hehehe.

I'm sort of over things at the moment. Musical, school, life. I jut want to read and make yummy cakes for everyone... No, seriously. Maybe I should. But I can't give up on everything else for that dream. Hmmm. Life is a tricky one.

Wish I had better skin. It's so bad at the moment. I don't deserve horrible skin, man! All the slut-muffins always have good skin. Why? And yes, I know that wearing make-up is just a catalyst, but fuck it, I'm not showing you my bad skin, because that's not me. That's my body being a pain in the arse.

Don't want to go to school. Don't want to do anything but read. Breaking Dawn, when I get it.

Let me apologise for what I'm about to say.

"Things I want to say to you get lost before they come,
the only thing that's worse than one is none..."

I don't know why I keep coming back here, talking to no one. I don't understand why about anything anymore. Not that it really matters why, it's just in my nature to want to know.

I think Buddha was right about so many things, and I wish I could be more pure in that way. I wish I stuck to my guns more. I wish I re-read my first blog this year, because I had forgotten quite a lot of what I'd written that were pretty important to remember.

Sometimes people get the wrong idea about me. Chances are, you don't know me at all, and you never really have. I wish you wouldn't say things that aren't true. I mean, being completely honest (though I know it sounds ridiculous), I don't bitch about you. I don't say things unless I know for a fact that they're true. It's hardly fair. And it's not that I really care what people say or think about me in the beginning or the end, I just expect that a friend could be trusted. But enough with bitterness, I have to let go. I have to break away from this habit.

LIVE AND LET LIVE, right? Or nah? I wish we could all just give up on the things that make us sad, angry, possessive and horrible. I don't really mean me here either. Some people worry too much, others, not enough. Find balance. Some people I know can be so two faced. Trust me, when I do things, they are not designed to hurt you. I'm not like that. I can't change you though, and you can't change anyone else either, so just accept it and move on.

I think I want to be a psychiatrist. OMG, I spelt that right! Haha, yes, anyway. Being a pretty good listener, and already thinking about why people do the things they do... seems like the right path, yes?

Oh well, I'm out to watch Pride and Prejudice for the thousandth time. :)

Stephhiiiiiee