Walking on a dream.

like a sepia tone photo setting that you just can't change

2009-09-23T18:37:00.003+10:00

I woke up at 6:35 this morning and looked out the window, thinking, "what's with the orange light...?" At around 7:20 I got up and was informed that it was a dust storm. Firstly, this was a new development for me, having never seen one before. So I was a wee bit WOW about the whole thing.

Then I went to school as usual, unaware that it was actually a Wednesday, only knowing that I had my English exam in half an hour. Sweet. I got told off for wearing socks with my uniform in stead of stockings, BTW, since when can my school tell me that I have no right to use my discretion about heat. If I think it is too hot, shouldn't I be able to wear socks?? It's not like they're not part of the uniform, because they are! Gosh, mate! English was fine, I could have finished my essay, but MRS. C. stopped us two minutes early! Good one! So yeah, I finished most of it, except the conclusion of my essay. Bugger. Oh well.
Then I came home, listened to the Wicked soundtrack, thanks to Perth ♥ =) and yeah. Studied. Yay.

YEEEEEEEEW!

2009-09-20T22:11:00.003+10:00

If winners are grinners, then I'm the fucking Cheshire Cat!

So I just packed up the economics study. That was going nowhere before it began. I assume that's because of the extraordinary about of alcohol I consumed in abut forty-five minutes. I won't count it, because that's immature, but let us say that it was a lot.

Why was I drinking in the first place? Because we (Briars ED 2) had just won our Grand Final against Dolphins and were celebrating.
I feel like this is going backwards because of the ... yeah, never mind.
And anyway, thank you to all those people that came to support us today. It made a huge difference knowing that you're being backed by approximately 100 people. Love it.

Thanks to Hannah as well, for her CD. Like it. NO, LOVE it very much. =) You're a champion.

I have discovered - though I knew for a long time - that I love post-it notes a hell of a lot.
I have detoured from the point anyhow!

GRAND FINAL WINNERS!

yew!

First Briars team to win a grand final this year. Kudos to everyone, especially Sammy. The LEGEND.

And if I know you...

2009-09-19T17:58:00.003+10:00

"From the first line of the first page,

till the end of the last age,

it doesn't matter who you are."

I know that I don't have to justify myself to anyone, why is not a demand I will answer to. But sometimes, only sometimes I feel like I should. Maybe it's weakness...
I hope not.

So what?

2009-09-15T19:58:00.002+10:00

I must say that it's fucking hilarious how people think blogging is just a way to bitch behind people's backs. Maybe it is - or maybe we just think it's a waste of time trying to say things to your face, because obviously the message just doesn't get through. Though, I will admit, everyone can think what they want, and therefore, I can think what I like also. It's a two way street, and some people don't really understand that.
My blog is a comment on my life, and in consequence, of those people and things that enter and leave it. Now, with that in mind, it is essentially just me, commenting on how I feel about these things. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not having a go at specific people, rather, I use them as examples in my commentry. So don't be offended if you figure out your code name, I don't mean to be rude like that -it's not I personal, trust me.
Having said that, it is no victory over me or over anyone else, to read this. YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THIS IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.
Let me repeat that.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS.

So, if you don't like it, don't read it.

Ker-ching

2009-09-08T21:27:00.000+10:00

*went to this presentation at St Mary's
*then caught up with some mates who go to st mary's
*then drove to stanmore maccas with the ppl from school who went as well
*oh wait
*met cardinal pell
*and
*saw hobos hooking up
*and then saw the ppl I know at that school
*then went to maccas at stanmore
*then drove to school
*went past school to get the host and wine for eucharist tomorrow
*from bwd
*then got a free badge from the church shop
*cause I'm awesome
*then was singing Chris Brown in the car on the way back to school
*had pd 5 off to work on ppt
*and then had a bludge in pd 6
*and shot an apple off the top floor verandah into a bin about 20m away
*got it in
*took photos all day
*then went to bwd
*and saw some peeps
*good day

Ancient

2009-09-02T19:07:00.005+10:00

So today I got sent out of Ancient History. That was a drama. HAH! Basically what happened was that I was just telling sir what I thought about his decision. His brilliant revelation was because our assignments are going to be pretty bulky, we would give in our notes to him, instead of putting the whole thing in the assessment box together. That's fine, no worries, except for a few things.

One: He's not the one marking our assignment.. so it doesn't really make sense for him to have the notes anyway.

Two: The bit of paper he gave us tells us to hand everything in to the assessment box. No drama. Just stick to what the goddamn paper says alright?

Three: if you're going to change it. Put in in writing and let everyone know. You could change your mind next period and no one would know.

But anyway, after explaining all this, he decided he didn't like it and Cakeface joined in. She said that I was being stoopid, and just to do this and do that and what to think. Look mate, shut up, and don't tell me what to think. So that started a whole different argument. And then I might've said something about value judgements and fucking dropkicks.... bad choice?

Anyway, whilst whittling away time, I wrote about 3 pages of crap on who I am and what I do and I'll add that at a later time.

Royal in the afternoon

2009-09-01T19:21:00.003+10:00

Why is living so difficult?

I just don't fully understand why someone who works so hard never gets any sort of clearance, I mean, from bad things happening. I'm not sure that I believe in karma, but shouldn't it make some sense for things to work out well for someone who does their best all the time. I don't ask for drama, I don't like drama, and yet drama is all I seem to get these days.

I wish I was stronger, mentally and emotionally. I wish that I could be like the strong female characters in Ayn Rand books, because they're always in control of themselves.

I wish things didn't matter as much as they seem to.

One thing I have learned is: DON'T RELY ON ANYONE ELSE.

This includes:

Don't borrow.

Don't ask favours.

Don't trust.

Don't believe.

Don't tell people anything personal.

Don't skank around.

Basically, just don't!

But that's not what I really wanted to say anyway. I meant to talk about my day.

. It was pretty fun. And then, crossing the park, we talked about having my b'day party at the dropouts and how he'd think it was a mad piss up but it would really be a tea party and The Bee would be high on sugar and the tealeaves would be our Pot. HAHAHA

More Drama.

2009-08-26T17:49:00.003+10:00

I just want to throw my shoe.

Partly because I almost did this morning at a certain Ball-less someone because of their being Ball-less.

Partly because I don't get what people want me to do. Do you want me to admit to false allegations, I mean, I can't be more honest than saying I didn't do it.

Partly because you can't trust anyone.

I thought I knew that.

Partly because I'm helpless - it's their word against mine - and it makes me so tired to defend myself, but I have to. Maybe I should say nothing. Just get on with whatever I'm doing. That's probably the most sensible option.

I'm only doing the best I can, and I'm not going to apologise when that's not enough.

Partly because the two people I have a thing for aren't available - one because of a mere 12 years and the other because they like someone else. So, really, I'm alone.

The only promising thing right now is that I look hot in a leather jacket.

ZOMG

2009-08-22T21:44:00.003+10:00

My God, I am tired. I have had the most random weekend and it's only Saturday night.

I must say, I am never going to borrow anything or look after anything for anyone, because obviously, I fail, and end up having a panic attack whenever I do...

There were upsides and downsides to the weekend - Friday night was awesome, Trivia was shit, but the theme and my outfit and buying my own drink from the bar (UNDERAGE!) was pretty cool. Oh and I had the best hugger ever give me a hug. Love those hugs, wished I owned them...

I like Scottish tourists, no matter how old they are.

And today - my gosh, what a day. Started early with a heart attack or panic attack, then running around the area trying to find someone who could fix my problem. Failed, but succeeded, but failed, then took a motorbike trip to the city, to get something that would fix my dilemma. Now, THAT was fun. Borrowed my mum's leather jacket and bike helmet from her bike days and jetted into the city. Love it. So much fun. Got the goods, came home.

Messaged Scottish friend, talked, then went to hockey after having a few pre-drinks in my shed. Gotta love the strongbowww! Then had VB and blue tongue, thank you to those who shouted me drinks. (l) and a strawberry daiquiri! YUMMM. Was still wearing the bike jacket. Love that. I liked talking to the hottie from moorebank and the spanish guy. Shame I had to leave kinda earlier than I had hoped... and yes, I really should go to bed.... Night!

2009-08-20T12:03:00.002+10:00

In legal at the moment with the Canvas (aka Donuthead) and he just said that if you put white-out on his arse, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference 'cause his arse is so white.
LOL
Oh, yeah, I was supposed to write about the Scottsman but I can't be bothered right now so... laters!

Motor-head

2009-08-11T14:46:00.002+10:00

Well, I'm in Religion next to Motor. I am reading The Fountainhead. That is all.

News flash!

2009-08-11T14:15:00.001+10:00

Okay, so here is an update on my school life:

The Bee and I are fighting over who can sound the most stupid by saying words like Christian sound like Kristie-Anne. The Bee makes really awkward sounds all the time and in the wrong moments, then we had a severely inappropriate about the Dropout dating It. Well, that had to be stopped quick smart! Or quick stupid! HAHA.
And now I’ll talk about the Wookie – he got a bit weird yesterday when the subject of relationships came up. I had to run away from him, like, literally run! He is scary and highly uncoordinated.
Then I had a conversation with Rafiki about all the smart people he knoew and then spoke to one of said smart friends.

Inerrupting the broadcast this evening:

2009-08-10T22:52:00.000+10:00

This has been copied from:
Uhm, my first blog on Windows Live.
10 August:
I just figured I would try this, considering I usually blog elsewhere and quite enjoy it. Right now I'm excited about the future, namely, Ski Trip, later this week, The Fountainhead, also this week, and just lif ein general at which I plan to work very, very hard. I suppose that this is partly because well, that's just how I roll, you know, but also partly because of "Atlas Shrugged". I never really thought a book could change my life, but this book proved it could and has. I think it is rally important that I don't try to explain it, because it's insanely complicated. It explained a lot about what I already had within me, especially about relationships, I mean, the standards I have and why I won't go out with just anyone, and it comes back to self value, the mind and ability. But anyway, that's too deep for a first blog post.

Perth and I were in a debate today - as the affirmative- , about whether governments should fund independent schools. I think we won, due to our supreme intellectual arguments and the other team's inability to organise themselves. I must give credit to Perth though, for this: "discriminagating". Well done, love, you made my day.

=) We are the champions =)

I can't begin to explain how awesome it is to have someone who actually gets what you're talking about and feels the same. Thank you, Rafiki, for your existence, as you are, because without knowing that you exist in the same frame of mind as me, I would feel both alone and insane. It's great to know that other people of intellect exist at our school. =D

x

A is A.

2009-08-09T20:40:00.004+10:00

All of a sudden I know what it feels like to have been so wrong, to know it, and to now be right. I know what I used to strive for and I was wrong in that. I don't want love that is unearned. I want love as a reflection of how I value myself. I will not give myself up, in the manner of my mind or my body to anyone who does not value themselves in the same way. That is why I am so fussy, that is why I never commit.

I don't mean that my past life has been wrong, just that I had never been awakened what I truly want. I owe this to the book, Atlas Shrugged. I never thought that one book could change the way I looked at life, but it has. I cannot explain fully to someone how it has changed me, unless they too have read it.

Firstly, I consider it an achievement that I got through the thousand odd pages.

Secondly, reading it marked the first milestone in my journey to become someone like the people in that book, because I understand, which is enough to show me how I want to live. It's not a matter of everyone working together, rather, individuals earning their place in the world through the power of their mind and abilities. I fully intend to use everything I have for my own personal success, and though it sounds really selfish, it wouldn't if you read the book and understood. I can't explain this to anyone - even I'm not that articulate - I can't force understanding on someone, I can only show, only demonstrate, only prove. I cannot make anyone believe, other than those who acknowledge my honesty.

You would think, as I did, that one has to be like Hank Rearden was - appearing not to feel. But he did. He looked so selfish, but that didn't stop him from loving. And it's not the love that everybody and anybody sings about, but the love that is and can only be deserved by equals who value themselves as much as they admire each other.

It is mindblowing...

Freedom

2009-08-08T21:40:00.002+10:00

What I love about being alive is the freedom to say what I want and do what I want as soon as I am old enough to do it. I have come to realise that you have to work as hard as you can, for yourself in honesty. It's not about what job you have, but your attitude towards it. How can anyone live without sticking to their morals in every domain of their lives. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. You can hold on to your own virtue and your own mind and your own ability, and that's all you have to live by. One should not submit to the will of others, because if everyone was concerned with the way they operated themselves, then there wou'd be no corrupt governments, because we would all understand that the world does not operate successfully by force, but by the freedom of the mind to dream and achieve. If no one feels guilty about what they are capable of, and nobody demands that they volunteer themselves as human sacrifices to the people of corruption, then I have a feeling it would be alright.
I wish that more people had the courage, the bravery, the confidence, to be completely honest like I try to be. Lies are not painful to those they deceive, not at all. They hurt the person whose lips they escape and whose mind thought them. It makes me sad that people lie, when it is unnecessary. I mean, do not answer if you are going to lie. Say nothing so no lie should escape - your expression will betray you anyway.

"The saddles that became pillows beneath the stars"

MAO

2009-07-29T22:26:00.000+10:00

“...letting a hundred flowers blossom and a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land...”
There are things that stick with you for the rest of your life, things that seem ordinary considering the history of the world and what it is prone to, but which still shock you. Some things fuse into your memory like it a hot iron branding it. Those lines of a speech are some that have been tattooed into my brain and that itched the skin of my heart. They are the basis of my most infuriating recollections and the source of my frighteningly real nightmares.
I remember it all so clearly: I tuned out of the propagandistic crap as it infiltrated each and every head in the crowd, filling them like a sewerage system. I had heard that line before. Years and years ago, when it was disguised as consolation, but they never really were and they were definitely not consoling today. I observed the convinced faces around me, a feeling of revulsion in my stomach and a contemptible taste on my tongue. How could they all be falling for this? How could they all be so naive?
Jacob Zuma, president of South Africa stood on a platform, preaching the path laid out for the country. I should not have been surprised at the turn it had taken; South Africa wasn’t exactly known for its political stability, then or in the past. The words lingered in my mind despite my attempts to block them out. I knew what they meant the last time they were spoken, and the meaning was just as true this time. It meant communism, it meant death, it meant martyrdom. It meant all the things that it meant from last time. It meant a repeat of Vietnam and everything that entailed. It meant suffering.
I remember pinning up posters around Pretoria, trying to find someone else who could see what I could. “Stop the second Vietnam war!” and “a hundred flowers mean a hundred bullets!” did nothing to sway the nation. I felt useless, defeated. I remember being dragged, days later, into a cell. It was hot in the summer, day and night. I sweated more than I cried, and I prayed more than I screamed. I remember sitting next to the US Ambassador to Eric Bost on the flight back to America, too exhausted to ask simple question, but more curious than ever.
We walked off the plain and into a hotel. I slept for a day and a half in recovery as Bost waited. When finally and fully awake he spoke to me. “Mr Jackson, as you are aware, the South African government has decided to become a communist nation. Zuma has changed his mind about the direction of his country and is overthrowing government as we speak. You and all other visitors with working Visas were declared to be illegally staying in the country, as the old visas don’t adhere to communist regulations. We evacuated as many as possible, but we couldn’t get to everyone. Some have been executed as criminals. We were quite lucky to get to you, actually, in another day we would have lost you too.” His voice was stoic, unchanging, unemotional, but I could sense tension and concern, though the concern was not for me, but for the future of the world. I shared the same concern, wondering could it survive another war, what with the ‘war on terror’ still raging in the middle east and civil war in Egypt?
“How bad is it?”
“Worse now that most of Southern Africa has joined Zuma. I assume they fear opposing him - he now makes all the economic and military decisions.”
“What are we doing?”
“America is putting up a figurative wall, trying to stop the spread of this violent type of communism, - see, it’s not quite like last time, and the rules are conditional. The military are paid more than the rest of the nation, which is making a whole lot of people suddenly want to join the army. It’s caused chaos for all of us, the whole world’s in an uproar. China is standing alone refusing to join South Africa, so we’re trying to set up an alliance with them before they change their mind.”
“What do you need me for?”
“Well, Mr Jackson, you are an expert on the South African geography. Wasn’t that why you were over in South Africa in the first place? Working on the underground maps?” I nodded in cautious agreement. “We need you to redraw those maps for us. We’re going to use them to access the country via an internet and shut down the computer system. We have the experts and are waiting for your agree- ”
“No.”
“Mr Jackson, you’re the only-”
“I won’t do it. I don’t want any part in this thing. Do you know what he said to that crowd? Do you even know what it means?” My voice cracked as I spoke, but I continued. “ It means that everyone connected to an uproar, anyone who helps the resistance... they’ll die.”
“I know. But you’re our only hope. We won’t make you do this. I’ll be next door if you change your mind.” Bost left the room quietly, shutting the door behind him.
I remember sitting in my hotel room, making a PRO-CON list. I remember feeling foolish, placing hero and brave and save the world on the PRO side and might die on the CON list. I kept thinking of the things that should stop me from doing it, but none of those reasons made it to the paper. Twenty minutes later I stormed into the next room and arrogantly declared “Fine!”
“Thank you, Mr Jackson. You’re a good man.”
Then I said to myself, “Humph. We’ll see about that won’t we?”
I remember drawing dark pencil lines over the existing maps. I wrote tiny figures next to the lines, indicating depth. I worked for three days straight. I know that inside I was hurrying to make it feel like I would become less of what was happening to the world, but on the outside I convinced the people around me that I was hurrying for their sake, like my work would save them from a job that had one pay rate, no matter what you did. In their minds I was saving them from the reality of life imprisonment for noncooperation, from the idea of never seeing their wives and children again by being dragged into the army. I was their hope. I just wanted to sink into the shadows. Looking back on it now, I was probably being a coward, but cowardice is forgiven when you push through it to do the one thing you really don’t want to do.
In this case, it meant giving the world’s largest nation and current superpower the keys to bringing down a whole lot of innocent people. Maybe the innocent would feel better about dying if they knew they were saving the other several billion people in the world from extreme oppression.
I remember returning home after giving the access instructions, feeling like a used toy. I remember dreaming of Zuma’s face. It screamed at me and glared into my brain. This was my first nightmare. He came again, and with friends. It reminds me of a song I was listening to before this all happened, called Death And All His Friends. There are lines, some I would always remember:

“No, I don’t want to battle from beginning to end,
I don’t want to cycle or
recycle revenge,
No, I don’t want to follow Death and all of his friends...”

These were the lines that echoed through my mind at night. These are the lines that disturb me still. It seems as

HAHAHAHA you're kidding, right?

2009-07-27T22:05:00.002+10:00

So, I went to the book club for the first time tonight, and spent two hours with a bunch of mothers. Nice mothers, granted, but I couldn't help feel alienated by the fact that the fruit of my loins are still at the seed stage - you know? I can only imagine how my father felt next to me when the subject seemed more directed towards positive parenting than literary legends.
Oh, and the tones, I don't think there could have been a group of more condescending women - ever! They seemed very consumed in their own self importance. Not all of us have been to uni yet, and not all of us have travelled overseas and experienced the world. Hell, I'm tossing up what subject to drop for my last year of high school not whether I should or shouldn't do a PhD in literature. Gosh! They seemed to think that you have to have been to uni and done something to be somebody worthwhile. I just wanted to learn. I listened intently, sincerely, too. The only benefits I found were the coffee and the fact that I have actually read at least 5% of the books on the bloody long list they gave me.
I must say, I consider myself quite an intelligent person, and though I didn't feel less confident in my ability, or doubt myself more, or feel intimidated, they didn't seem to grasp that I am intelligent. They seemed to assume that my age indicated a certain degree of arrogance and ignorance. Excuse me?
We discussed what makes literature "literature" and they weren't particularly helpful. Apart from repeating back to me what I had just said, they seemed to brush it off as though - sorry, been there, done that. You're so stupid for not realising.
I just wanted a place for people to talk about books you know, not to share a life-story that's completel irrelevant. OK, if your kid happens to be like a character in a book, sure, but I don't really care if your 16 month old baby wants to listen to Chopin or Chopsticks.
I think they're missing the point of it all. It doesn't matter what you've read or who you are, you have something in common: you LIKE BOOKS! So don't look at me like I'm less than you, I am just as smart as you. What do you have to show for your masters? Are you doing anything with it or is it just like an old book, sitting on a bookshelf or hanging on a wall in a picture frame? What's the use of being so well educated and either are not sharing it with the next generations, or, you can't even communicate with someone thirty years your junior.
I'm going to be so teenage here, but WHATEVER! GAH!

Yeh. Nup.

2009-07-25T16:23:00.001+10:00

Well, um, it's been a while I guess since I last bothered to write anything. I suppose that's because I've had nothing really to write about.

Note well.

2009-07-12T23:30:00.002+10:00

NB: DON'T BLAME ME IF WHEN YOU GET HURT.

I wish people would mind their own business. Obviously, they can't or else I wouldn't be bothered with this. Stay out of everyone else's shit, please. I don't mean to be rude, but you do it way too much. Just don't.

Spaceman...

2009-07-11T17:38:00.003+10:00

It seems to me that we go the same places we've been before, make the same mistakes as in our past and fall for the same people again and again. And, of course, again. I could think of two labels for this. One being comfort zone. The other, habit.

I think it's sad that people don't as a rule think the right amount. I mean, we either think too much or not enough. I wish more thought went into every decision, because, as much as we'd like to convince ourselves that we're doing the right thing, not hurting anyone, that's a lie. I don't feel bad for myself, no, this is not about me; I feel bad for the people that your actions hurt, the people who you are too blind to see. I'm not going to call you selfish, because selfish implies consciousness of behaviour. I don't think that you, or people like you, are aware of what you're doing and do it for that reason. No, I think that that's just who you are.

That's why I wish people would think about people other than themselves. Or maybe, they do think about other people, but assume things. It would be nice, though, to not do things for ourselves simply because we have the upper hand, knowing what we, ourselves alone are thinking. I can't read minds, and I don't know of anyone who can. So before we make decisions, THINK.

Is it really so hard?

Take a picture - It'll last longer

2009-07-08T17:03:00.003+10:00

To the guy in the grey jumper with the caribee bag in Ashfield today. You looked really cute, and babe, you can stare at me for as long as you want. I'm the girl in the white car...

Hahahaha.

And to the bitches staring at me and my mum, I swear, I don't care if one of you is retarded, that doesn't mean the normal one of you can stare too. Just try me again, ok, I'll punch you! Zomg.

I HATE SHOPPING!

Just been thinking.

2009-07-08T11:00:00.002+10:00

You know what I don't get, why people publish their life stories on these things. I mean, I took most of my story down because I realised it was pretty stupid to keep it up here. It makes people vulnerable. I understand blogging, though, it's like a vent. I know, I use mine a lot. People should think about who's going to read it and then choose what's appropriate to say up here. I know it's your blog, not ours, but if you just wanna vent to no one, then type into a Word Document. We don't want to know any of the problems that you aren't meant to be sharing, I mean it really is none of our business ay.

Don't hate me, people, for listening to Taylor Swift, it just happens. She's growing on me.

I miss Michaela and I need a good book. Might go to the library and get one later, if I can be bothered.

I wished things went to plan, I wish I did everything I said I would, I wish things aren't the way they are. I wish I had more freedom. I wish I had a car. My red Saab convertible for $6500. Man I wish I had enough money for it. I wish I could do what I wanted. I wish I didnt have expectations and priorities.

I was damned by the light comin'

2009-07-07T20:27:00.004+10:00

"Ooh

Standing by a broken tree

Her hands are all twisted,

She's pointing at me,

I was damned by the light comin'

Over all as she

Spoke with a voice that,

disrupted the sky.

She said,"Walk on over, yeah

to this bit of shade,

I will wrap you in my arms"

And hold you safe,

"Let me sign, let me sign.""

Oh my god, Robert Pattinson makes me one of the most depressed creatures on this earth. How is it that one person could possess all that talent!? I mean, is it not enough that he is blessed with incredible good looks? Why does he have to be an actor AND a musician, and a good one at that? Is it ever fair? He's more like Edward Cullen than people would think, despite the mind-reading and all that immortality, but still! C'mon!

Alex and I were discussing the benefits of having a boy climb through our windows to lie next to in bed, just talking and that. November 19, we both can't wait. We're going to take tissues, for me it's for my anticipated depression on understanding what I cannot, and will not have. Ever.

It's movies and stories like this that make me so sad. I mean, is it even possible that people can be so much in love. I am impatient to feel like that. Impatient to know it's real. Impatient to be loved by someone I love as well. I don't want it to be one-sided. I want someone to write music inspired by their love for me -my God, how selfish of me! I just want something life changing to happen to me, which isn't happening, so I'm gradually accepting the fact that my life is going to end up being mediocre.

I think I shouldn't lie as much as I do. Well, not lie, but encourage things I'm not 100% sure about. It doesn' hurt me to change my mind, but I know that other people cop the brunt of it. It's not fair to anyone, really.

I think that every 5-10 years there are one or two novel series that get kids to read and I am so thankful that they exist. Kudos to Rowling and Meyer.

When you don't know where you're going but you wanna talk...

2009-06-24T21:27:00.002+10:00

"You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung, or do
Something that's never been done..."

Well today was pretty volatile. Extension english was good, my story is well on its way. [see other blog]. Double religion not bad. Legal was alright too. Pastoral Care was very good. Definitely happy with that. English was good, thanks to Steph L's little yummy cakes. Economics was alright as well.

I borrowed a book today, called GriEVE, yes, the capitals are intentional. I was reading it and it just seemed so real. I could connect with Eve, and I was pretty hooked until Mum decided she wanted to have a go at me. Sorry that I need a break. Thank *deity* that I get a break tomorrow - kind of.

I also went to the physio today which was interesting because I don't usually like people touching my back. The experience was, well, exactly that, an experience. My hip and back still hurt though, so I'm going back tomorrow, hence my little break. Might skip maths if I can tomorrow, I want a longer break, turn up to lunch then go to the gym for CC.

I feel sad right now. Wishful, too. I want things to be nice. I wish my mum could realise that I love her, and that I am a good person, I just don't work well under her pressure. It's her birthday on Friday and I have done nothing about it. Blah. Crying makes me tired. To be honest what I want right now is someone to cuddle, hold and squeeze the air out of, just to know that they're real.

You know what amazes me on a daily basis? How incredibly volatile some people are. Lots of people outwardly show their moods or their feelings towards you, either positive or negative. I feel so alienated when people just ignore me, but the feeling is much, much worse when people cahnge again and are suddenly chum buddies with you again. For starters, it's confusing. But greaater than that is it shows they've got no maturity.

But I already knew that, so I shouldn't really be surprised...

You might be a big fish... In a little pond...

2009-06-23T18:57:00.002+10:00

"Just because I'm losing,

Doesn't mean I'm lost,

Doesn't mean I'll stop,

Doesn't mean I will cross...

Just because I'm hurting.

Doesn't mean I'm hurt,

Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved,

No better and no worse...

I just got lost,

every river that I tried to cross,

and every door I ever tried was locked,

and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off...

You might be the big fish,

in a little pond,

Doesn't mean you've won,

'cause along may come,

a bigger one..."

I'm in love with Coldplay and Muse right now, the music that actually makes me feel something. They are the reason that I went to sleep last night, smiling.

I think I am rather clever and am pretty happy with myself. Had a good time in English today, though I didn't get the whole $30 free lunch thing from Erica... So random. Now I'm putting way too much effort into a silly video for Advanced which is wasting a whole DVD disc for almost no reason. Quite disappointed with the waste actually.

I can never recall what I want to write about. Things in my head are rarely there for long.

I'm going to the Physio for my back tomorrow after school. Should be an experience... Now I uppose I'll get back to Justinian and Classical Allusions in Faustus.

The Demons in your head...

2009-06-22T19:14:00.001+10:00

"Everything I wanted to be every
Time I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave I just wanted to stay
Every time you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes by me and I think of
Someone else instead
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead..."

I'm seriously thinking that love songs and chick flicks are weapons of the world to make those of us without "Starlight" [thank you, Muse] feel so much worse. I mean, the initial feeling I get when I watch or read or hear about a love story is a good one - that warm fuzzy feeling that most of us feel - but then I feel sad, jealous and pathetic. Despite my youth, I feel like I'm missing something big and life changing. Something we call 'love'. I know it's early days, but I sometimes doubt it happening to me, no matter what my age is. I love books with happy romantic endings for the most part, but I don't think I'll end up with my Mr. Darcy, Mr. Knightley, Mr. Rochester or Edward Cullen, just to name a famous few.

Together We're Invincible

2009-06-21T15:43:00.002+10:00

"Follow through

Make your dreams come true

Don't give up the fight

You will be all right

'cause there's no one like you

In the universe..."

I have a feeling that I know the name of my future husband. Just the first name. Not the actual person, just the name. Reason for this theory is my liking two people with the same first name. I am setting a trend I think.

Just wanted to say thank you to Zoe, whose party was awesome. Had a great night, hope you did too. I got the number of the Barman from last night! Ha ha. My hair was curly.

We won hockey today, which is really good considering half my team had been drunk the night before. I had some drinks but I could still play. Most likely thanks to an epic sleep of 9 hours. Was good.

Now I feel like watching a chick flick. But I don't have any :(

I forget what else I had to write about.

Bugger.

All I wann say is that they dont really care about us

2009-06-19T22:31:00.002+10:00

"Skinhead, deadhead
Everybody gone bad
Situation aggravation
Everybody allegation
in the suite, on the news
everybody dogfood
Bang bang shock dead
Everybodys gone bad..."

It's coming to the end of a particularly trying day and I'm glad that it's over. I must say I am disappointed. Not in what I got; Liturgy is fine with me. I just wish that sometimes people could be more like me. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I know myself well enough to trust that I tell the truth. I wish everyone could see the truth. To be honest, I know the truth about most people, seeing through the crap, the fake, the illusions. I don't want to offend anyone, please, that was never my intention. Though I do like to wish to say that it's not your job, nor is it mine. Anyone else could do the same thing. I am proud of how I was today. That has to be enough.

I'm frustrated by the system, annoyed that we have to be the Guinea Pigs in the experiment. All I can do is be the best at what I am. Stick to my guns and earn it. Deserve it? I cannot say. All I know is myself.

All I know is the now.

I wish people would just look at themselves. People in general, no-one specific. I can't force wisdom into the minds of others. I can't make people understand. I only hope they listen to my advice, because I do think things through before I say them, and I mean what I say. Also, be careful with your words. This blog is probably a stupid thing for me to do, but I need it. And so do you.

You belong with me...?

2009-06-17T23:03:00.003+10:00

"But she wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts,
She's Cheer Captain and I'm in the bleachers,
Dreaming about the day that you wake up and find,
that what you're looking for has been here the whole time..."

There are some things that we put away, in the back of our minds, forgetting about them so they can't hurt us. Now, it doesn't make sense to me why I would go and relive how I felt. I mean, I had forgotten about how I couldn't eat, or sleep or even breathe normally for months. It was something I suppressed and for good reason too. My subconscious knew that this is what would happen, wasted tears and unnecessary wounds. I didn't think it would hurt like that, I thought 4 years was long enough to keep the hurt at bay. Things have changed, sure, but that hurt, that experience is still very much a part of me. I don't resent anything that happened, everybody makes mistakes, and I can't forgive one of you without forgiving the other. So here we are, three or six of us, it doesn't matter. These things are never undone.

It sort of occurred to me that all the love stories that end well, are usually fictitious. I mean, does love even exist, or is it just an illusion. I'd love to believe in destiny and fate and true love, but they seem like nothings to me. I know love. Love of my family, love of life, of nature, of literature, but I'd more easily class them as bonds or passions. None of which are romantic.

I went and saw a monologue with Em last night, and I was pretty damn blown away. It was just incredible. Believable. I had the best time, thanks, Em. And please don't forget our plans! They are going to be gold. Theatre folk, we are.

Butterflies in my stomach? No, wait, that's just being hungry because it's late at night. I really should finish cleaning my room then go to bed. I've been staying up too late this week, and doing no homework.

Whoops.

How and why texts are changed to create new texts?

2009-06-11T23:20:00.001+10:00

Essay: How and why are texts changed to create new texts?

Popularity amongst the “classic” texts has led to a trend in which these texts are changed, commonly for a new context. Among the highly extensive list of the adapted and appropriated is Jane Austen in Donna Bowman’s 2009 novel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and Clueless, the film appropriation of Austen’s Emma. Other renowned authors such as Tolkien and Shakespeare, whose works are often highly valued in western culture, also make the list.

Whether simply a product of their popularity or the result of a deeper motive, works such as Tolkien’s The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, turn into Soddit and Bored of the Rings, appealing to a whole new generation of readers. Similarly, popular playwright, William Shakespeare’s works have become films such as 10 Things I Hate About You - an appropriation of the highly controversial The Taming of the Shrew, - and Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet. Perhaps coincidently, the modern title of The Taming of the Shrew exhibits a similar rhythm to that of the Shakespearean play, to the point of rhyming.

The way in which these texts change can be marginal or many. In some cases, the entire social situation is altered, with examples including Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew and Romeo and Juliet, Austen’s Emma and possibly the very recent Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer, all of which take traditional stories and place them in the context of modern American society, specifically in relation to youth and/or high school. In other occasions, (predominantly) famous texts are tweaked or altered, presenting the same story from a new perspective. Soddit and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies are specific examples of this scenario. The form of the text is also subject to change, with play or novel to film a common occurrence.

It may never be clear precisely why such texts evolve for new interpretations and contexts, however there are numerous possible answers. As previously suggested, it may be a direct result of the popularity of the original stories, both during and after the time in which they were published. In this instance, the purpose may be to sustain this popularity and allow future generations to appreciate the text either in its original or adapted form. This suggestion is possible, however simplistic. It offers a realistic and generally effective reason for the changes of any magnitude made to texts of the past.

Money is a force which drives the world and perhaps also the survival of literature. With relation to the popularity of a text, one may see a money-making opportunity. For example, if a text is deeply appreciated by a society, an appropriation or adaptation of said text may therefore be seen as an prime opportunity to make money from the level of appreciation for the original. Furthermore, either received well or poorly by those who appreciate the original, the appropriation gains publicity for either (or both) of the reasons. One specific example is the recent film adaptation of the Twilight novel by Stephenie Meyer, where in this instance, the novel made the film famous while the film consequently made the book more popular. Since the response to the Twilight series (and texts in general) is so varied, the discussion and debate over its faults and triumphs also lead to heightened attention and therefore fits the description of a successful money-making opportunity.

Some critics claim that adaptations and appropriations of texts is unoriginal and plagiarism. If this is true, then all writers throughout time are plagiarisers as their ideas come from the experiences and influences present in their lives or in those of the people around them. Conversely, it may be argued that changing the texts to suit a new audience or purpose takes a certain degree of originality and creativity. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is an example of a modern text which could be viewed from either side of the argument; the use of Jane Austen’s novel, Pride and Prejudice as the basis of the story could be considered plagiarism, while simultaneously the addition of zombies could be considered a highly inventive and original idea that places the text on a new course.

The criticism of unoriginality can be supported by the theory which defines literature of having only seven main plots. This theory involves the conflict of a human and either one or more of the following: nature, human, the environment, machines or technology, the supernatural, self or finally, the concept of God or Religion. Hypothetically, this could mean that all stories are one of those listed above and that no work is fundamentally original.

Altering texts may also be a way in which to challenge the themes or values presented in the text or are present in a society. This links into the relevance of the themes and values within texts to new societies (discussed later). The Taming of the Shrew, for example, can be interpreted as a sexist play in its original form, however another version of the play such as the film, 1o Things I Hate About You, this interpretation may not be suggested. The reason for the new version may be to evoke different interpretations to the original Shakespeare play, primarily from a different audience. The film also presents the original text in a more romantic way, removing the violence between Kat and Patrick (Katherina and Petruchio) which is present in the play. Similarly, the intended reaction of texts such as Soddit and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is humorous, thus presenting the familiar stories in the entirely new perspective of comedy.

New or different representations of texts could too be an acknowledgement of the continuity of the themes or values present in a text. Textual themes that possess the ability to transcend time such as love and hate, good and evil and power and authority are recognised in their modern manifestations. It is possible that this is a reason for the changing of texts with the intent of creating a fresh text.

There are, however many more possibilities and motives behind the telling and retelling of texts. The diversity of perspectives which exist in reading, viewing, analysing and appreciating these texts make evident the power of they possess and is one of the definite reasons behind reconstruction and renovating texts, whether it be intentional or otherwise.
©

Win the moment.

2009-06-08T21:00:00.003+10:00

Win the moment. A coach says that to his team, at that point, it's just part of the game. Deep down what he really meant, and what he said was, "its the little moments that win games. Win the moments, you can win the game."

And so we did.

Sydney North beat every opposition in our path to win the ACT tournament again.

I think we earned bragging rights.

The final was incredible.

2-0 up at half time, trying to hold onto the game. We were carrying injuries and a make-shift bench. In truth, Lithgow weren't the underdogs. We were. We had so much adversity against us. Rising above it, beyond ourselves was what we needed to win today.

2-2 at full time. We didn't let go, they just got hungry.

10 minutes extra time of sudden death play. We kept them out, they kept us out too. No change here, though we did come close.

PENALTY STROKES:

I said I've got this. Put on my focus face and drowned out everything except 4 people and one ball.

1. Hannah's was saved.

2. I just nicked one before it went in.

3. Cassie scored.

4. I saved one.

5.Hayley scored.

6. I missed one.

7. Alice scored. =]

8. I saved it on the stick :) very happy here.

9. Jess B's went in.

10. Saved the last one, left side and the crowd literally went wild.

I was suddenly on a huge high. It was incredible. Alice ran over to hug me, I threw off my gloves and everyone from my team was running onto the field to celebrate. I hugged everyone. Hahaha. Coach was ecstatic - we all were. So many people from both Sydney North and Sydney and all the parents and family told me how awesome I was. Everyone except mum.

I won the moment. I DID. We, as a team did, but that was my moment. It's so insane when everything rests on what you can and can't do.

You've just got to go for it.

"If you're unsure, do more." JC.
Coach said it was my body language that told him we could do this. I ran, he said, whilst the other keeper death walked. I think it was magic. The best feeling ever.
I fully intend to go to sleep smiling

Well it wasn't me said the boy with the gun...

2009-06-04T20:32:00.002+10:00

'It was you it was me it was every man

We've all got the blood on our hands

We only receive what we demand

And if we want hell then hell's what well have..."

I had the best day yesterday, despite my massive all day headache, because of the night. Dad took me to UTS and we saw the light show. I drove and did some neat reverse parking and we had Japanese food. It was interesting. LIMP NOODLE yew. Haha. Then we saw the light show in the Uni and it was just brilliant. I took heaps of photos, and you should've seen how excited I was.

I love the idea of University. International and Global Studies here I come. 97.35 UAI here I come as well! Haha. I am so freaking excited!

Fitness First today with Bernie. Good workout. Hahaha. Holani almost mooned out the back of the bus. Croissant! And hearing interesting things about people we know and the things they shouldn't know. Gattone is such a funny one.

Going to Canberra tomorrow for hockey. I am slightly sick at the moment, which isn't going to help me much. Not good.

Driving down to the ACT. Driving driving dring = fun fun fun.

So immature.

I got a haircut today. Layers and all. So much shorter than before. I don't know if I like it, but it was only $20, which was GOLD =].

bgrysbaubfhdebsw

2009-06-03T13:34:00.002+10:00

In religion class with the biggest headache known to man (or woman). I'm next to Alex and Erica =)
We're meant to be working on some bible references but my headache is preventing that. I have maths next. Yay -cough-.

HEADACHE!!!!! garh!

I used to roll the dice

2009-06-02T22:15:00.002+10:00

"Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes

Listen as the crowd would sing:

"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key

Next the walls were closed on me

And I discovered that my castles stand

Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand..."

Yes, um, today.

I thought today was alright.

*.*

Why can't all librarians be nice, like the nice one at school? She lets me borrow without my card, helps me out all the time. The one's at Burwood are such cows. I owe a dollar and twenty cents to the bitches, because my book was slightly overdue. SORRY! Jesus, get a life, you middle aged kill-joys. Hahaha.

A little funny moment tonight was with:

The Foxtel Guy.

So he came to our door, knocked, I opened it and then BAM!

I was blown away by his eyes.

THEY WERE FANTASTICALLY BLUE.

His skin was dark which made his eyes look absolutely magical.

I think he could tell that I thought he was incredible... 'cause he couldn't stop smiling.

Maybe he was embarrassed. Either way, it was funny.

It's a shame that we miss people.

I mean, usually people are so transitional. They go in and out of our lives, sometimes changing it, sometimes not.

But there are some people who come into our lives, no matter how short, and they change it all around.

They can shake it all up or just rattle a few chains, but irrespective of the impact, they end up being missed when they're gone for a while too long.

Why do we miss people?

I guess it's 'cause we just want to feel something. I miss people personally because of the way they treated me in the moments with them.

`~SIGH~`

They call you into place

2009-06-01T23:08:00.003+10:00

"Of what's already changing

Don't walk every step down the old parade

Ain't gonna stop us ageing...

We're all in line to go sometime

Only lives to tell it like it is

Always more than you wanted to know..."

Um. Today. Disappointment. That's about it.

I'll live.

I thought up a few things today.

A little snippet from legal this morning. I wrote:

"It'd all be different if men could have babies too..."

And English:

"Is the Human Race just a product of animal opportunism in a dog-eat-dog world?"

Interesting, thoughts I do believe.

What do you think?

Rescue me

2009-05-31T21:19:00.002+10:00

"Tonight I am calling,
Dangerously I might,
Keep on falling..."

I think I'm waiting. Waiting, not for someone, like you said. But for something big to happen to me. Some defining moment that'll set my life on course. Maybe not the right one, but one, nonetheless.

Alas, nothing seems to happen to me.
Yes, the nights make my emotions vulnerable.
Yes, thinking too much stops me from dreaming.
Maybe that's a good thing.

I just want to be going somewhere. It's not enough to say you want to go somewhere, you need to be going there.
I'm going to Canberra this weekend for hockey.
I don't think that is telling me what I want to do.
I don't want to be a national hockey player.
What I want is to be passionate about something. About a dream.
About someone.

It's probably stupid to think that I can know what I want and just go out into the world and get it.
I want to stay home and have dinner and tea parties with my mum and enjoy my childhood.
I don't want to worry about marks or jobs or boys. But they are the things which seem to be so Goddamn important to people.

Why can't we start the world over again?

I guess that would be a little selfish...

Do you get?

2009-05-30T12:07:00.002+10:00

"Do you get a little kick out

Of being small minded

You want to be like your father

His approval your after

Well that's not how you'll find it..."

I hate it when people talk to you and you know they have their own agenda. Or worse still, when you can see that they have a problem and the likelihood of you being the source of that problem is high. People seem to have alterior motives all the time.

Also, why assume things? Please don't psychoanalyse me. I know my problems. I know the reasons (mostly) and you telling me doesn't help. I think you know who I mean, if you read this. I am not dwelling on things, it just seems like it when we talk about it because that's the topic. The things we were discussing don't bother me every day. They're just what we happen to be talking about.

I'm not finished. Nowhere near. Kindly, hold your breath.

Restless tonight

2009-05-28T22:20:00.002+10:00

"'Cause I wasted the light

Between both these times

I drew a really thin line

It's nothing I planned

And not that I can

But you should be mine

Across that line..."

I think that a lot of the time, our most severe critics are ourselves, and considering that, we are obviously, incredibly biased. After all, we do know exactly how we see everything inside our head and chances are we're either deluding ourselves or wishing we were.

Ahhh saw a really cute guy at hockey today. Looked so familiar but I don't know their name or anything. Mystery boy. Lol.

Gonna read my book now, 'cause I forgot my thought path...

The water is warm

2009-05-27T21:12:00.002+10:00

"but its sending me shivers.

A baby is born, crying out for attention.

Memories fade, like looking through a fogged mirror

Decisions to decisions are made and not fought

But I thought,

this wouldn't hurt a lot.

I guess not. "

I think sometimes the hardest thing for people these days is when you don't belong to society's stereotypes. Not fitting ANY mould is worse than being categorised.

All we want is to belong, right?

I'm wondering if things matter much, really. I don't know what or who I want. I've only got dreams, which at least means I'm still alive. That's a bonus, is it not?

Ah man, I think my only saving graces are (despite my inner protestations) Religion marks, mochas and music. My 3 m's.

SIGH

See, I told you I still dreamt.

Burning thin the burning rim

2009-05-26T18:26:00.002+10:00

"Like stars burning holes right through the dark
You gave fire like saltwater into my eyes
You were an inch from the edge of this bed..."

Fucking hell, I hate my face. No, I hate my skin.

Why can't it just be normal and not look like the

Himalayan Mountains every day.

So here I am again. I just finished my english assignment and am now making cookies. Making myself a temporary haven. A distraction of sorts. God, I just wanna bake and read.

I felt pretty crap today, wondering if it really matters where we came from. I mean, sometimes we worry too much about the irrelevant things. I guess it works the other way too, worrying about things too much.

I wanna be like coloured helium filled balloons, that make everyone happy, whose colours are pretty and attract the right attention, so that when everything gets too much, something happens that is sad, I'll fly away and everyone will see me in the sky, free, dreaming.

Remember those walls I built

2009-05-23T14:36:00.003+10:00

"well baby, they're tumbling down

and they didn't put up a fight,

they didn't even make a sound..."

The rain. So good, but simultaneously so shit. I hate being stuck in it in winter; I'm one for the summer rain.

I've been reading a lot these days. Some things I've been reading don't make sense because they're so hypocritical. And I don't mean books. I've come to realise that we're all the same somehow; in one way or another.

I was just thinking a bit too rapidly right now, wishing that my fingers, pens and keyboard could keep up with my 200km/h race car brain. Not trying to sound up myself, but my mind is so much faster than any writing implement. Anyway, what I was thinking was sort of a debate; should I live for the now or for the later. I don't want to deny myself a good future and fuck me for this next thing, but the now is the Opportunity Cost. Ultimately sacrificing a social life that's [no offence] probably not worth having [chances are it won't last].

I feel like there are two parts to the whole that I am. Two separate dreams. Two risks. Two passions.
Who the hell do I want to be?
I'm caught between the sad girl that looks at herself without make-up and thinks, no wonder I'm not the one with the boyfriends or cliques, no wonder I get called a nerd and am loved more so by the staff than my peers. Then there is the other girl, the one that doesn't give a fuck if people look at her like she's a nerd, because I read books like there's no tomorrow and make Trig palm cards. I want to go somewhere but I also just want to know myself. One comes before the other. Or maybe they're collective? Who knows. I sure as shit don't.

Announcement:

This nerd is dropping extension maths.
This nerd is trying to get my skin half decent.
This nerd is not gonna give a fuck about what you say, then go home and cry in the shower so that the water drowns out the sound. =]

Now, I just thought this was particularly cute.

If you're lost you can look

2009-05-22T23:58:00.003+10:00

"and you will find me
time after time
If you fall I will catch you
I will be waiting
time after time..."

So yeah, I just finished the first proper performance of the musical. I felt kind of excited tonight but not nervous. So now I don't feel relieved that one of the two is over. I sort of just put on my "focus face" which everyone is now familiar with =) Heheheh. I got on with the show. Sorry to the winkies that I skipped, I forgot about you. No offence. I wish Pop was there to see it. :) Now I probably look like a druggie because of the red makeup still left on my face. Oh, well, it was all worth it. All 8 and a bit months of practise. Worth it. Now I just wanna grab my blankie, curl up with Fishing for Stars and listen to my sleep playlist :)

Goodnight and thank you.

:)

Sometimes life can be a burden...

2009-05-17T17:47:00.003+10:00

"trying to stay one step ahead.

I feel the world upon my shoulder each time

and I'm standing out on the edge."

I had totally forgotten that I changed my page again and it finally looks pretty decent...

I never thought I'd get into Twilight like I have. I did think I would read it eventually and thank some divine being for the fact that I waited until after the whole OMG - EDWARD CULLEN thing blew over. Easy to read though. 3 novels in 3 days. Not bad for my standards. Hehehe.

I'm sort of over things at the moment. Musical, school, life. I jut want to read and make yummy cakes for everyone... No, seriously. Maybe I should. But I can't give up on everything else for that dream. Hmmm. Life is a tricky one.

Wish I had better skin. It's so bad at the moment. I don't deserve horrible skin, man! All the slut-muffins always have good skin. Why? And yes, I know that wearing make-up is just a catalyst, but fuck it, I'm not showing you my bad skin, because that's not me. That's my body being a pain in the arse.

Don't want to go to school. Don't want to do anything but read. Breaking Dawn, when I get it.

Let me apologise for what I'm about to say.

2009-05-01T22:48:00.002+10:00

"Things I want to say to you get lost before they come,
the only thing that's worse than one is none..."

I don't know why I keep coming back here, talking to no one. I don't understand why about anything anymore. Not that it really matters why, it's just in my nature to want to know.

I think Buddha was right about so many things, and I wish I could be more pure in that way. I wish I stuck to my guns more. I wish I re-read my first blog this year, because I had forgotten quite a lot of what I'd written that were pretty important to remember.

Sometimes people get the wrong idea about me. Chances are, you don't know me at all, and you never really have. I wish you wouldn't say things that aren't true. I mean, being completely honest (though I know it sounds ridiculous), I don't bitch about you. I don't say things unless I know for a fact that they're true. It's hardly fair. And it's not that I really care what people say or think about me in the beginning or the end, I just expect that a friend could be trusted. But enough with bitterness, I have to let go. I have to break away from this habit.

LIVE AND LET LIVE, right? Or nah? I wish we could all just give up on the things that make us sad, angry, possessive and horrible. I don't really mean me here either. Some people worry too much, others, not enough. Find balance. Some people I know can be so two faced. Trust me, when I do things, they are not designed to hurt you. I'm not like that. I can't change you though, and you can't change anyone else either, so just accept it and move on.

I think I want to be a psychiatrist. OMG, I spelt that right! Haha, yes, anyway. Being a pretty good listener, and already thinking about why people do the things they do... seems like the right path, yes?

Oh well, I'm out to watch Pride and Prejudice for the thousandth time. :)

Stephhiiiiiee

return

2009-04-27T21:11:00.002+10:00

yeah so here I go again. I'm in bed with my brand new sheets thinking about how I should be reading Machiavelli, as opposed to playing asound on my phone and listening to the same playlist repeatedly.
I have school tomorrow. Yay. Not. That yay was very sarcastic in case you didn't notice. Haha. I don't want to go back. I want to spend the rest of my days going to the movies with boys and going to hockey with the girls. And driving. And going to T2. And reading. Oh how i wish i could stay this young. Or maybe 18 so i can drink lol. Going to try god read now...

wherever the wind may take me

2009-04-27T20:56:00.003+10:00

I don't rightly know what I'm doing around here again, except to say that within the past week I've experienced a bit of a ~~heartbreak~~ hurt and sadness as well as some really good times. I mean, the days seen to be quite alright. Good, even. But those nights... Somehow not? I think I'm more emotionally vulnerable at night. I don't know why, or even if it is the truth. It just so happens that everyone tends to have their say later than 5pm. It's not even stuff to be sad or jealous or angry about but that is how I felt anyway. Some of the things interesting, and definitle powerful. I can't see what i've just written so it,s probably misg mash ha ha i'll fix it later i purpose. Anyhow, more later x

Thank You.

2009-04-20T17:56:00.002+10:00

"I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life

Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life"

First on the agenda. I just want to put it out there that I had one of the best days of my life last week. You made me happier than I have been in quite some time. I was so nervous, you probably have no idea. I didn't eat 'cause my stomach was already crazy. The coffee and everything else may not have helped either, but there you go. We just floated around... and to be perfectly honest, it all felt really natural. From the beginning. That's something I noticed about you and me, there's no bullshit on the surface. We are who we are and we know that. I thought it went well and I came away happy. Even though you seemed kinda shy. I think I looked cute, but who knows what you thought. I haven't heard from you since and it makes me a little sad, but then I am angry with myself at the same time for allowing myself to hope. I don't know. And I hate not knowing things. I wanna do this again. Not over again, just again.
I forget what the rest of this was about... I don't know! Grrr. It's annoying when you forget things.

Lessons of Life.

2009-03-06T21:21:00.004+11:00

Lesson one: Do NOT trust anyone.
Lesson two: Never write your feelings or adventures down so that people can read them.
Lesson three: Don't do stupid things.
Never trust anyone, because more than 90% of the time they go and fuck you around anyway. How can people find out things that you only told one person. So much for honestly and loyalty guys, thanks. And you wonder why I hate you! You're the one that pretends to be all depressed because you're a fucking attention seeking little shit. You're the clingy, obsessive, crazy bitch that annoys everyone. I'd rather say nothing to you than have you spread shit around.
Don't write stuff down 'cause someone will always read it. That's just the way it is. Some, (most) people don't care that it's your private writings and that tehy're invading your privacy, but whatever. Lesson learnt, right?
Not that what I've done in recent times is wrong. Not that I regret it. Just the fact that even though you've done the same and tried the same things I have, it's still "wrong" in your eyes. I need a Pro-Con list about leaving. But then again I dont know enough for this to work. Don't do stupid things. Fine, I wont. I can trust myself not to, but you can't. I wish you would. It's ironic, but in all the times I've done something I know you wouldn't like, I've been safe about it. I don't let things get out of my control.

I don't get your logic. Are you angry or just disappointed. Don't hate on me, it only makes it worse. I mean, if you don't let me go, how can I convince you that I can be responsible?

What's going through your head?

R.I.P. the English Language.

2009-01-17T22:07:00.004+11:00

"I chose numbers over words and words over meaning..."
~*!*~
In a world where English is rapidly becoming the universal language and a high percentage of the world now has the opportunity to learn English, I find it increasingly appalling that most of us are contributing to the Death of the English Language. From the books we read to the way we speak and type, the use of words, grammar and punctuation has transformed from a sophisticated and structured art form to an often sloppy and incoherent drawl. Perhaps we should embrace the change, I mean, why not replace 'you' with 'u'? Why do we need to know the difference between homophones such as 'aloud' and 'allowed' and the three 'there' words?

Language used to empower us. It used to say something about the way we felt or describe something that couldn't be expressed in any other for. Language created an identity for the human race. It elevated us above our animal counterparts. Without language there would be no memory of the Duchess of Devonshire or Marie Antoinette. Without language I couldn't be typing this at this very moment.

Most facets of society are being sucked into this illiterate vortex one by one. Instant messaging services such as MSN and text messaging are one of the first listed under the 'Suspects' heading. Yes, I know that it is more convenient to write 'c u l8r', as opposed to 'see you later', but what's to stop us (especially young people) from writing full words as a bunch of characters in our next essay or assignment? As well as shortened words, what about all the acronyms like 'LOL' and 'ROFLMAO'? Sorry, but if you go to all that trouble to say you're laughing, then chances are, you're really not. Let's stick to the good old 'hehehe' or 'haha' next time? All that abbreviation is retarding the current generation's ability to express themselves coherently.

Magazines hold the number two spot after technology as a suspect. Isn't it a bit sick, recommending books to 'help you look like a celebrity' or 'make every man want you'? This just boils down to a lack of self respect, confidence and an open mind. I'm pretty sure we didn't have some of these problems with self image and sex lives until popular magazines such as Cleo and Cosmopolitan told us we did. Most of the time, these sources are killing the English Language [in terms of the purpose of literature] because they tell us what's right and what's wrong in everything we ever do. Our jobs, our attitudes, our relationships. Everything right down to the amount of mascara we apply is rated, critiqued and at times, corrected. But hey, I myself, am doing what the magazines do right now. I'm varying away from the true purpose of my writing.

Next on the list is common dialect. Wassup, bruh? I don't know, maybe you could tell me what's going on. Some of the most intelligent people I know say 'Youse' instead of 'You all'. I'm going to be very rude and say it now. It makes you sound dumb, not cool. I mean, is it so hard to speak properly? You know how to, but choose not to. May I finally add that it is not a bad thing to have a solid vocabulary? Even Mitchell Johnson [In the Australian Cricket team, if you didn't know] wishes he had a bigger vocabulary so he could "argue better with people like Andrew Symonds."!

So to the world that has the means to be incredibly intelligent and communicative, try reading a classic book, maybe some Austen or Dickens. To those who are fighting back against the impending death, thank you, and keep it up. Your books and efforts are not lost completely. Some of us still appreciate a good read and a witty conversation. To those who are murderers. Try harder to break the habit. I mean, you don't want the next generation to not know what the word 'ambition' means or what an ellipsis is, do you?

The Aftermath.

2009-01-09T21:02:00.002+11:00

At the end of the day you look back. I think every day we look back on it, thinking something different. Even if it is only slightly different, it doesn't matter. Well, I look back on today with mixed feelings, I suppose.

The day started where I left off in the last blog in which Michaela and I were staying up all night and then made plans to go visit our drinking friends. We were making noodles and drinking creaming soda and playing Ninja Kids. And then we won all the arcade games and stuff. Was fun, though I think that really wore me out. It is 10:51 pm and I am still awake. I think that means I've been awake for at least 30 odd hours. Which is pretty impressive considering my holiday sleeping patterns.

I was quite proud of ourselves the way we navigated through uncharted territory to a place quite unknown without any help. We women have very good travel and directional instincts! It was a fun day for the most part. Other bits, interesting, I guess. The guys were really nice and I kicked arse at Wii™ Bowling. It was pretty awesome.

~*~

I have a little something on my mind. I think I might've said something in previous entries about 'no regrets'. Having no regrets and all that jazz. I've just realised something; a lot about this policy is dependant upon other people. I mean, they way people treat you after certain things occur, etc, the comments they make, or the looks they give, certainly count for something when you go over things of the past, distant or near. I mean when someone unloads their opinion onto you, can make it a hell of a lot easier or a hell of a lot harder to apply this whole 'no regrets' thing. It would be nice, I suppose, if people, especially people that are not particularly burdensome to be around could respect the things you do, the choices you make, no matter how poor or ridiculous they are, because once they've been made, they can't be withdrawn. I think it would be nice if people would be a little accepting, 'cause sometimes it doesn't make me (or anyone for that matter) feel any better about things. I wish regret and hindsight could be left up to the individual. Why do people get treated differently after shit like that? Why is it awkward?

And there I went on another one of my long blog posts. And to be honest, I didn't mean to, things just happen. Ha. Ha.

Adios. To things.

Stephie D ♥♠♣♦

Midnight Pancakes.

2009-01-09T02:44:00.003+11:00

So here I am with Michy Dee at 2:53 in the morning. We're talking to some drunk ol' friends on my mobile, wasting both credit and battery. But it is fun. We cover topics as diverse as chewbacca, alcohol, birthdays, hair, what we look like, music, yelling, yelling at people to stop them from yelling and plans. With a bottle of near-empty Apple Schnapps sitting in front of us and a bunch of drunk teens on the phone is a pretty funny combination. Especially when one of them has held a torch for you since year 2 in Mrs L's class. Funny times.

Funnier still is the DUGONG song and the CRABS song. And, yes, they sound incredibly retarded, but a more appropriate description is "repetative". I kind of wish we were there already, that would have been really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY funny. It would be easier on my phone cap too. But, oh well, I'm not paying for it and I've already gone $15 over my cap for internet anyhow.

We've been one the phone for hours...The faces Michy is making while she's talking are just hilarious. The questions she ask are really odd. It would make more sense if could hear the rest of it, but more amusing the way it is. Now they're spraypainting Abe's hair and I have a feeling it's not hair-spray.... He's not going to be a happy camper.

Right now there is trash on TV. I mean, apart from the fact that it's three twenty-seven a.m. at the moment, there is nothing on TV in general these days. Don't underestimate the power of crap Television. We can learn a lot from when Screenwriters make us out to be a really dumb mass. I think a lot of shows can teach us things. Like Gilmore Girls. You can learn so much about literature and pop culture from that show. And Veronica Mars. I like that show. And Californication, which, believe it or not is actually not all about sex.

YEH ITS MICHAELA here..
some weird religious crap is on deh tele and oliver (on deh phone) is as drunk as a melon in tokyo. stephs lookin for a pen and i am pondering on making a cawfee. i just thought of nye wen i was watchin the early fireworks and i was sayin sumthin REALLY loud in an indian accent and then i turn around and i was surrounded by a milllion of them. i was like oh shit and i laughed ALOT!
but anyways goon thats almost amonth old is still good in my eyes. (and tummy)
Get in. Sit down.Shut up. Hold on. aah the days of befriending tanisha in primary school...

yeh... so drinkin tomorow yeh..
should be good. im unhappy cos steph does not have the "C" face on her msn account..
aah bourbon @ mardi gras wat a sight!..
uhhm yeh . steph is on deh phone and she is bringing her "L" plates tomorow to the guys's place cos they are "Learner" drinkers. ppfft t lol

Con-sider yourself a HO(me)
yeh we're watching "she's all that."
i lorve dat movie..i wonder wat freddie prince jnr is doing rite now.. lol
i think ill go . i feel i need to brush mah teeth and i wanna watch this movie.. its 3:55 in am and

.com
&yeh

michaela and stephanie
[.kales and stab.]
POOTRA xx

At the Beginning of a whole new age.

2009-01-06T22:07:00.000+11:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you
can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're
right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
- Marilyn Monroe

So, because it is a new year and all, it would be a good time to start afresh. I'm going to start this year with a different perspective to the last. In terms of blogging anyway.

I just realised something. Some things go back to the way they were at the beginning. Like Gilmore Girls. Every time I watch it from the start it's always the same. But that is inevitable. Other things like when you meet someone. The way you talk at the beginning of a friendship, when you get to know things about them, sometimes that returns and I'm happy about that. Sometimes I miss the beginnings. The innocence. At times I want to skip back in time to the beginnings of things, before all the shit happens and things go wrong. So, this is what I'm doing. I'm going back to the beginning. Cliche enough as it is, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm not really one for new year's resolutions but there are a few things I do want to do, to be different. I want to do this year being me. Being real. Being honest.

I want to do the things I didn't do last year. I want the wrongs I made, whether they be choices or actions or whatever to be made right. I want to be happy and I'm not going to look to many people for that. Something I learnt last year is that you can't always trust the people you want to and the only person you can depend on is yourself. I want to have some fun and maybe like someone, but if nobody comes along then I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm going to try not to be jealous. I'm going to be nice as hard as it gets. I'm definitely going to smile more. And try harder. I'm going to take Marilyn's advice. I'm not going to make any more excuses. I'm going to finish what I started. If I love someone, I'm going to tell them. Maybe. :]

And to my lack of readers, I'm not going to write 864 word blogs every time, 'cause who could be fucked, seriously.

Anyways... Laters!

Stephie♥♣♠♦